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I live for self-destruction. [entries|friends|calendar]
Nathan "Rainbow Violence" W.

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Messed. Up. Badly. [29 Apr 2009|09:33pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Tonight, I'm nothing.
What's up, Nattie? Haven't been around since the last break of fall. You broke your heart again and crumbled down, and now here you are, in the same state you were almost 5 years ago. Lost. Why do you always end up somewhere where you seem to not belong in? It's sad enough to watch you get hurt, and here you are..
I'm always away. In my mind. On a sail boat.
Shaking. Like a feather. Or a leaf. And I'm looking at the time. Constantly looking at the time. And my phone. I should wake up one morning and leave out, without my phone, without the time, without anything that could be useful.
And may I ask, why am I trying this again? I forgot a week ago, and then it turned to two, and four, and ten, and here I am, waiting for a reply.
Bye bye, little loose love. Float away like the wind.


Hello, Hello, let me in. [16 Feb 2009|09:28pm]

It's been a while son. Yes, it's been a hell of a while. My eyes are rolling back, trying to search for the surface so they can breath, and my head is spinning round and round as I try to come up with some lyrics to fit the mood. I'm not willing to try and come up with something smart to say, and I'm not good enough to change the world tonight. I'm not thinking straight; I always think in circles, and besides, who reads this bull shit anyway?

I'm eighteen. So what? I'm broke. Good for me. I'm leaping in the air when I run into the arms of my imaginary boyfriend. I'm fucked and tired and the words are slipping from my mouth. People, people, plop plop plop. I'll never get them, vice-versa. Who the fuck are you anyway? We met last semester, right? Like everyone else. I met the continuation of my past life last session, and here we are, falling back like flowers, like tumble weeds: we're tumbling down. You're PATHETIC, Aesthetik. You're completely stupid and lame. Thank you, Zero, thank you very much. Aren't we the same person? get back to it, okay? You're oh-so diddly fucked. I feel like clapping my hands for jotting down some lame shit like that, fuck-tard. Stop swearing and get to the point! Okay, okay, fine, I will, if ever I find one.

It's alone. It's a couple. A couple of jerks or the flowers on the deathbed? What is? What if? What, where? And how? Shut up, will you? You're confusing the poor virgin eyes of the invisible readers! I don't even understand myself. What we three were, what we'd be, what we're becoming, nothing but confused. I don't really care. Not anymore. Not now, no way. You're snapping at me for no apparent reason, and I'm not trying hard to understand. I've been blinded by innocence last semester, now here I am, back, and pretending that I never noticed we changed. I'm pretending I have better things to do while you pretend to be someone else, unless you really are someone else. To me, you are, and you're pretty good too. And your man-on-a-leash, good for him. I miss him, but I will never say I still feel this way. Because my mind is elsewhere.

I doubt I'll ever have feelings for anyone ever again. Especially like that, never in a lifetime? Love is nothing but a sickening threat, a trap for the weak and the lonely hearted, those who've been dreaming, searching, hoping.. what have you been doing, my fair lady? Well, I wish I got the chance to know you before. I'm a bit afraid that it might be too late, or right now is simply not the time. My mind is elsewhere, my thoughts have flown astray, my eyes are pondering and so is my ass and everything else that's nothing but bullshit to you ears. I don't want to care anymore, and so far, I've been pretty good at stopping this feeling.

No, I am not in love. You're beautiful to my eyes, and that's all I'll ever say. Nobody will know what you really mean to me, unless it slips out, unconsciously. Goodbye, love? It's about time you start to forget.


Been a while.. (another while) [08 Feb 2009|09:50pm]

Hopeless. The days pass, continue to fade, like the rays of light into the darkness that takes over me. I hate what I'm going through, whatever it may be. I hate the change and the struggle, I hate it all. I hate the stares and the cries, the tears, and I hate the spaces, the way we're all drifting further apart, once more. What happened to those days where we used to smile and spend enough time? What happened to that? I think it was nothing more than a dream, another hopeless dream in the eyes of a grown child..

Where am I? I'd like to awake in a place that's safer than home. I'm losing control and motivation--quickly, and here I am. Breathing. Waiting. Slowly passing. I thought the world would begin to feel safe and make sense, but I was wrong. And even the words, the lyrics of a song, cannot be strong enough to save me. We're rushing downwards, towards hell. Save us all.


Approach with caution [15 Dec 2008|02:42pm]

Though on the outside, it may seem like I have so much.. what the hell is wrong in this picture? In a crowd of people, laughing, smiling, talking.. how could I feel so alone?

I've been trying for years. God only knows how long I've tried. I never gave up, why didn't I ever give up, when I know I should have a long time ago. Where am I going with all of this? Can't I at least figure out what is wrong..?


Lonely [18 Nov 2008|10:43pm]

Played Lonely for Her by Jack's Mannequin for my solo performance today. I could of done way better. It was hell.

Today was hell. I'm sort of giving up. Don't worry, I'll be better next semester.

These memories and thoughts are bothering me, floating around in my head. When will they stop? When could I live?

There are less than 21 days before I leave my first semester forever. I hate school, so be it.

Love, why the hell do I feel in love and in so much useless retarded pain? Shoot me?
Off to bed with you missy.


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